the fear of living life alone

attonement

Published on August 24, 2004 By 87devil In Personal Relationships

Hmmm the first post....what to talk about. So much has been bothering me lately, everything from non-responsive people to love crisis [sp?] to motherly instincts to growing old alone. First of all, I think it is quite rude and on-attentive of people who don't respond to another person. It only takes a second and if you don't respond it basically says you don't give a fuck. I hate walking through an office and saying hello to someone and it's not like they don't know you and they just walk by unawares. For the most part I have given up saying anything to anyone in most situations. I still try though, I am a friendly person so wtv. Second on my irritations lately is my love crisis. I was with someone for 5 years pretty strong since 16. I have always been a rather mature person for my ages, but after years of being together I realized my partner was a little boy. I'm not saying this to defeat guys, you must understand he turned 30 this year and i am almost 22. Anyway, we visited for a bit last month and we always said we'd be together forever and so on so forth. But when he came and I saw him...I just knew it was done. I moved away from him originally to help him get his shit together and to try my luck with a gentleman I'd been talking to for awhile. He was the sweetest thing, but was jealous and insecure to me. I eventually just became rude to him not knowing how to channel my feelings and I moved on. Well, recently we've been talking again and he looks a little different, I look a little different, and I just wanted to hug him! This was what I moved for, so why did I push it away? People do crazy things. So anyway, in the time we were apart he has been hanging out with this chick off and on I guess, and they made plans to go to Cali for his vacation. Apparently she is enthralled because she already has their wedding planned. LMAO!! OMFG it was the most amazing thing I've ever heard come out of a girls mouth. I was a little sour about the whole thing only because he didn't mention she was going, he only told me he was giong but that's cool, I try not to let little shit get to me besides UNRESPONSIVE people! LOLOLO! Ok you know what, gotta get back to work, i'll finish up later. Enjoy. Who reads this anyway?

Comments

OckhamsRazor

on Aug 24, 2004

Who reads this anyway?

Oh just you wait.

Let me be the first to say, "Welcome to JU", home of the sometimes OVERLY responsive.

I'm interested to understand your subtitle, "atonement", and how it plays into what you've described here.

I'm sure many others will chime in, but I'll add a hypothesis for them to comment on, and here it is: Fear of living alone usually equates to not loving oneself.

Once again, welcome to the nut hut that we lovingly refer to as JU.

Ock

Wade Helquist

on Aug 24, 2004

I belive that you can still verry much love yourself and still be lonely. Just missing somone in your life to bounce ideas of of and to share your special moments that is what people miss the most.

on Aug 25, 2004

I'm very intrigued by the comments I've gotten, let alone pleased! Razor, I believe you are onto something. I do love myself, but I have a lot of ....history in my past, some people might say baggage but I call it experience and wisdom. I am quite young but have been on my own since 16. The atonement is for the guy whom I talked to for a long time, and eventually moved to the same state to be with. But my family is also in that area, so it was no big deal. I for some reason became hostile towards this guy after a few months and I hated myself for it but everything did and said irritated the crap out of me. Now when I look back I think I was jealous and insecure about myself as you said. Well, anyway, we've since started seeing each other again, I have a much different outlook on things and it's great. More to come!
Peace 7

87devil

on Aug 25, 2004

Ah, and to answer your question, the atonement is for ....Curly*, the guy I've been mentioning I was rude to. When I wrote that post I was thinking along the lines of him, and my trying to really get a grip on things and try to understand what I'm doing. I am a very deep person

Wade: I believe you are right as well....people generally always want to be with someone I think. Especially if you've lost someone for a wrong reason and you can't make them see the truth. I say that only with observation of others around me. I miss.....my childhood I never had. *sigh* but I'm alive and kickin

LadyCleve

on Aug 25, 2004

I miss.....my childhood I never had

I think many people miss their childhoods, or at least parts of them, or wish they had been able to have a real childhood. As far as being alone, I think almost every decision I have made has revolved around my fear of being alone. I had never actually lived on my own until my husband went to Korea for a year and I did not know many people where I was living, either. It was a hard lesson to learn, and even though I now know that I could handle being on my own, I still would not want to be alone.

Welcome, again, enjoyed your post and am looking forward to many more.

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